Punxsutawney Phil, You Lie

Well, we got a Snow Day. This is extremely rare where I live, a place where people scoff at the term "Snow Emergency" as they fill up their bathtubs with water and get out the can opener to prepare to eat clam chowder cold. But the Snow Day was welcome! A chance to rest and do work and not spend an hour and a half of my day driving and parking at school!

Of course, that's not how it went. By 10 am I had pulled out the sewing machine, telling myself that I needed a new apron and I needed it NOW, and grading could wait until a day where we actually had school.

Do other people have this experience?

I guess my approach to the Snow Day is not unlike that of a grade-schooler. If someone had told 8-year-old me, "Hey, it's a Snow Day, there's no school, but go ahead and get out your math workbooks and do that for a couple hours" I would have actually laughed in their face. Math? No way! Time to get on the snowsuit and play outside in the sub-zero temperature!

And so today went. I read, I watched television, I sewed, I played with my pets, and yes, I put on the snowshoes and the snowpants and wandered around outside. Which is why I'm pulling the post-Snow Day All-Nighter. Blast!

Well, for any of you in deep-freeze places, I hope your Snow Days are more productive than mine!

An Offering to Those in Rough Draft Wasteland

Given the truly shocking number of people who checked in when I posted "MIDNIGHT WRITERS' CLUB, SIGN IN!" as my Facebook status for the past TWO night, I feel like a little gift is in order. If you have the wherewithal to click an arrow a few times, you can enjoy more hilarity like this:
















Here's a bunch more and they only get more funny/disturbing. To sum it up, just don't try to send your boss stuff on your iPhone.

Sneaky Hate Spiral: Taking Students Down, At Least Twice a Semester

Thanks to grad student field correspondent Molly, I bring you the next installment in the "Midterms: Lose Your Mind" series.

Question for you. When you think about midterms, does it make you feel like this?


















If yes, then you need to read this. Consider it required reading, but the kind you want to do right away instead of 8 minutes before class begins. You will need longer than that to recover from the hilarity.

Happy Friday!

What do Cosmo and the Constitution Center have in Common?

They both have quizzes that will tell you who you are.

NewsFeed procrastination strikes again! I saw this on grad student superwoman Sarah's wall and got so ridiculously excited, I obviously had to stop what I was doing to find out which founding father I would be! Much better than reading Cosmo to find out which shade of lipstick I should wear to attract the man who is my best astrological match.

Now...which founding father are YOU?

Somebody Open Up A Window

Where has this site been all my graduate student life? I love it because, if you study social history, most of history is decidedly in the non-LOL camp. But this is hilarious anachronism. Early American historians and 1776 enthusiasts, enjoy.




More evidence that Rhode Island was, indeed, using the necessary during all such proceedings. Also, North Carolina defers to South Carolina.

Monday Motivation

It's Monday, 12:30, an all-nighter, during summer? I fear I am the kayaker when I'm aspiring to be the shark.



see more Very Demotivational

"Analyze Your Writing"...More?

I stumbled across this I Write Like application thanks to UnlikelyGrad and deemed it perfect for 5-minute procrastination.

When I submitted a section of this blog, it said:

I write like
David Foster Wallace

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

I guess I do enjoy a dose of hysterical realism. However, my academic writing also yielded a result of David Foster Wallace. Research paper = parodic fiction.

So...who'd you get???

5 Minute Procrastination

By now, I've learned to differentiate between what I like to call "long-term" procrastination and "short-term" procrastination. We all know that it is the long-term procrastination that is really dangerous -- the TV marathons, the movie theater screening all the Harry Potter films in a row, the decision to clean your entire apartment before starting work are all things that can potentially leave you thoroughly, entirely screwed over.

The short-term procrastination, however, is a different animal altogether. It is the lap cat to long-term procrastination's rogue man-eating tiger.

Everyone has their daily procrastination routine. I'm not going to publicly out those people who check Entertainment Weekly every day. Instead I'll out myself: I read police blotters religiously.

These things are hysterical. As evidence, I compiled a list of events which made the police blotter during one week in a town near where I live:

7:26 a.m. Investigated a report about someone who said they were going to kill a senator and discovered it was a mentally ill person from out of state.

9:37 a.m. Responded to Blue Heron Drive for a family feud.

10:59 a.m. Report taken about the theft of a $500 fuel tank caught on video.

11:13 a.m. An employer reported being assaulted by an employee who said, “I’m sick of you dissing me.” The employee apologized and said he wouldn’t return to the business.

11:33 a.m. Responded to Islington Street for a complaint about the theft of a 30-pack of beer.

12:43 p.m. — A theft was reported on the Route 1 Bypass northbound when an elderly person forgot to pay for gas.

3:12 p.m. A Woodbury Ave. store clerk told police someone came into a store with their own ticket gun and was re-pricing items.

4:22 p.m. Responded to Summer Street for a report of a sickly raccoon drinking from puddles and staggering.

4:35 p.m. Responded to an automotive business where employees were threatened after someone’s car failed an inspection.

4:52 p.m. While responding to a 911 hang-up call, a cruiser got stuck in the snow.

5:06 p.m. — Unable to locate what a resident reported was a "very large and possibly rabid raccoon" walking around the Lawrence Street neighborhood.

6:30 p.m. A Holiday Drive resident reported items stolen from his home which he left unlocked while away for three weeks.

6:41 p.m. Were unable to locate two teen girls who were reportedly running in and out of traffic “like they had a death wish.”

8:49 p.m. A caller reported an intoxicated man with a possible broken leg in some woods.

10:34 p.m. Investigated a report about someone who seemed to be breaking into a mailbox.

10:35 p.m. Shearwater Dive resident reported a skunk trying to get into her house.

The best part about the police blotters is that you don't even have to read your own town's for a honking good time. And they never take more than 5 minutes to read unless you go digging through the archives. Reading these always starts my day off right.

Police blotter: Breakfast of Champions.

Interspecial Encouragement

This, courtesy of grad student correspondent/icanhascheezburger phenom Maggie:























As long as "right" and "rite" are the same, we're good. Good luck to all who are taking finals, grading finals, and more luck to those doing both.

Chaps or Face Paint? You decide!

There are a lot of good things about the Olympics. For instance, the illusion of global cooperation, the traveling torch, and holding your breath while the crazy bobsledders risk their lives for national pride. Unfortunately ice dance costumes don't quite fall into this category of giving you that nice Olympic feeling. Take a look, courtesy of Go Fug Yourself.

Olympic Ice Dancing: Fab and Fabber

Apparently the theme of the ice dance costumes is offensive stereotypes, ironic for an Olympic Games which made obvious overtures to the native cultures of Canada. As a result, the Aboriginal-inspired getup seems especially inappropriate. I also completely fail to comprehend the "tacky American trucker" look worn by the representatives of Great Britain, as well as the Wild West chaps on the French pair.

The only possible explanation is that the ice dancers were forced to choose their theme based on what was available at the party store. One of them got Bad Luau, another got Cowboys, and that last pair got stuck being the piñata.

One last thought: Teams should break away from this strategy. Not only do they look ridiculous, but the only pair that looks acceptable is also the pair wearing the gold.

This Iz How You Feelz

This is going out to everyone who's back in school for another semester's grind and/or up against some looming deadline.

Perhaps you've heard this in the recent past:


see more Lolcats and funny pictures

You might also be looking a bit like this:


see more Lolcats and funny pictures

You might be harboring these sorts of feelings toward your project:


see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Your internal monologue sounds something like this:


see more Lolcats and funny pictures

You might be doing this right this moment:


see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Good luck with your LolThesiz.

If Only It Were True!

So I've circulated a couple of surveys about grad student stereotypes, among other fascinating things. I'll be giving you all the official results sometime in the future, but I'm jumping the gun to make this post because a) I have a really great visual, and b) there is one stand-alone stereotype that every person surveyed so far had pretty blistering things to say about.

And that is, that we're a bunch of lazy bums.

See exhibit A:



While I can't speak for the 12th year of the PhD, December is better known as the Deadline Dance of Doom and Death. How many pages can you write in a day when you have swine flu? How many books can you carry from the library, through the snow, up the many hills to the overflow lot where the grad students get to park? It's the same premise as "American Gladiators", except in "American Academics" we don't wear the sparkly costumes, and most of the time we're not suspended from monkey bars.

One person surveyed had no time to wrap any gifts, and went the "it's under the paper bag!" route. Another student, spared from the survey but not from inclusion in this post, was, at deadline time, seriously considering buying all Christmas gifts at highway rest stops on the way home.

So to all the people who received post-it notes and highlighters in their stockings -- and were excited about it -- I salute you! Get down with your never-stop-reading selves, and Happy New Year!

No Two Front Teeth For You: Santa's Revenge

Sometimes Santa really gets it right, and other times, you wonder what he must have been drinking to think that thing was a good idea (note: it wasn't milk). The only good thing about bad presents is that they usually become pretty funny once enough time has gone by, and then you can laugh about it.

Usually. Sometimes your gift is a pet mouse that gives you scabies. Then everyone else laughs, but not you.

I've received a few whoppers of poorly-chosen gifts*, but nothing like these people, who collectively have some serious good-gift karma due them after receiving half a roll of tube socks, a spoon-pin, and a "European bathing suit".

So here's hoping you got everything you wanted, and if you didn't, that at least you made out better than the Something Awful folks.

*The "best" of these was a key, with no explanation to what it opened, which, drove Type-A me nuts for months before I gave up and purposefully lost it.

Top Ten Reasons to Go AWOL

So I'm back from my semester off...of blogging. Don't worry, I was plenty busy reading about epistemology and trying to learn how to say "where are all your documents about slaves?" in Portuguese. In addition, I wanted application season to be well underway before returning to my post. So next semester you can expect a lot more chicken soup, and I'm hoping you all still have souls at the end of this semester.

A few things to look forward to. I will be live-blogging from the AHA (that would be, the American Historical Association) grand-high annual meeting, held this year in the balmy San Diego. This should be fun for everyone. Especially if the side-trip to Tijuana goes according to plan.

Also, stay tuned for my reviews of several films about college life in a hysterical countdown of stereotypes. Should we all be very, very afraid of our professional futures? I'll let you know.

But I'll leave you with these amusing tidbits. TIME went majorly nuts with Top Ten lists for 2009, covering everything from Top Wizards to Top Things You Didn't Know about Hanukkah. Here are a couple of my favorites.

Top Ten Ye Olde British Criminal Trials
Right up my alley!

Top Ten Toy Crazes
I remember all of these except the ones from the 80's, which I've repressed.

Top Ten Disney Controversies
Finally, "Song of the South" is going to be dealt with.

And for those who enjoy dumb people getting busted, this one's for you.
Pure awesomeness.

Enjoy these time-sucking top ten lists, and have a great holiday season!

F. Unny. Funny.

I've been off the radar since late June due to thesis work, and will likely be in and out throughout July. Aside from putting the pressure on some of my fellow graduate students to pick up my slack here, I will be stopping in to dispense the occasional hilarity.

Grad school support staff Will pointed out the other day that with this whole swine flu scare, which apparently even those Harry Potter kids aren't immune to, we've forgotten our last round of Revenge of the Barnyard: Avian Flu.

But MadTV has not forgotten. Take a look.



This is what happens when childhood meets reality.

"The Idea Strikes Me As Close to Being Nuts"

ChixSoup med school correspondent Laura and I were discussing our basic dilemma regarding the news. We both think that it is important to watch the news, so we know what's going on. We also think that the news is depressing. And then when we finish watching the news, we have to turn to the enormous pile of work that awaits us. Major bummer...

...except that there's a 5-minute hilarity boost. See below.

Autotune the News: Spa Regulation, Serbians, and Sotomayor

It, too, is fair and balanced! There's a few more where that came from, including one on a topic near and dear to my heart: pirates. Cheers to my work being relevant!

EDIT: There's more where that came from...plus lyrics. Auto-Tune the News Website

Smart People. Bad Ideas: Part 1

Graduate school escapee Kate sent me an email with the following text:

"You have to watch this and make sure you don't have anything in your mouth!"

This followed:

Cat Meets Insanity

It is clear that an innovative but unhinged individual is behind this. It is like they thought, "Hey, cats like fish, so let's take cats SCUBA diving in the ocean! Also, I happen to be mechanically inclined and able to outfit little Cleo here in her own personal Nautilus!". Grad students, these people are in your departments. Hire independent pet-sitters and proceed with caution.

My Gift To You

Well, I am off to a rare weekend-of-no-work in honor of a good friend's wedding 14 hours away. Celebrating friends' good fortune is certainly one of the top ways to spend one's time. If one does not have such an occasion to celebrate this weekend, one can instead celebrate that they are not a part of this:

Awkward Pose of the Day: The Pile On

Posted using ShareThis

Look at these photos. Now imagine that these are the templates for annual department pictures for the website. Feel your mind start to bend. Cable-knit sweaters, pasted-on smiles, and climbing up risers never sounded so good.

Culture Camp

Bored? Unlikely, but in case you feel the past year encased you in an academic vacuum devoid of any form of expression other than a book review or lab report, check out Time's Summer Arts Preview.

I'll be creating my own recommendation list in the coming weeks. Note that my rendition is more likely to include Family Guy, Robot Chicken, and the like. Additional suggestions are always welcome. Stay tuned.

Would You Like Bullets with That?

Some fellow snarky writers provided me with the perfect opportunity to mix moderately good advice with a truly absurd and horrifying back story.

Don't throw waffles, kids. Or you might get shot.



HELLO. More of these great write-ups can be found at Dumb As A Blog, A Daily Digest of the Dumbest Stuff People Do. And people must do a ton of dumb stuff, because those writers are busy. Check early and often for your daily fix of dumb.